Love and Obedience
If you don't love somebody, it gets annoying when they tell you what to do or what to feel. When you love them you get pleasure from their pleasure, and it makes it easy to serve. - Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz, p. 14
I don't think it's quite as simple as that, but there's definitely something to what Miller is saying. When you're a child (and oftentimes even as an adult), it's terribly infuriating when your parents tell you what to do. Yet, as I've gotten older, I find it much easier to do what my parents ask. As much as I can, I want to do what they ask of me because I love them and I want to make them happy by "serving" in whatever capacity I'm able. Likewise, in a relationship, there's a real joy in making your significant other happy by doing something they ask you to do. Why is that?
Is it because, as you grow to love someone, you learn to trust them? You're sure they're looking out for your best interest and therefore it's easy to abide by their instruction. While that somewhat explains the proclivity to listen from a self-centered perspective, I'd like to think there's a more altruistic motivation as well. I think love allows you to give yourself to someone for something greater than even what you would want for yourself. I don't know how to explain it better than that.
- It's going outside your comfort zone to explore an activity the other person loves and wants you to try, just to be able to share in their joy and make it your own, so you can have that thing together.
- It's taking the time to listen when the other person wants to talk, even when you just want to plop down on your bed and crash after an exhausting day.
- It's squeezing the toothpaste from the bottom and working up, instead of from the middle, just because that's something that's a pet peeve for the other person.
- It's whispering sweet nothings to your significant other every once in a while, even when that's so not you, just because they've asked you to be more affectionate.
posted by Kris @ 12:05 PM
7 Comments:
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I removed the last comment because the person specifically asked that I not publish it. I, of course, didn't read it through before doing just that and had to take it down a minute afterwards, which is when I actually read it.
It can be a fine line too. Not losing yourself in the other person because you get so wrapped up in making them happy. Finding yourself in a place where their happiness becomes more important than your own. You have to know yourself before you can give yourself to somebody. You think it's the same way with religion?
That's a valid point. Otherwise, there's the danger that you'll lose your identity in your efforts to be what you think the other person wants.
I think religion is a little different. While it's similar in that God puts your needs above his own (Christians argue that the Cross is the ultimate expression of sacrificial love), it's different in that you don't have to know yourself before you can give yourself to God. Why is that? I think it's because God is the only person who knows you better than you know yourself. In fact, I would go so far as to say that giving yourself to him is the best way to understand who you truly are.
Isn't that what's scary about love though? There's always a risk of losing yourself and becoming somewhat merged with the other person. That's when you become truely vulnerable, but also, better equipped to give love.
I'm not advocating that we should aim to lose our identity, but I am saying it's a bi-product of loving someone wholeheartedly. And when it does happen, it goes from being scary to being beautiful.
i love you!
Naomi - So, from what I gather, you're saying that there's a partial loss of identity (or perhaps it's more apt to say that it's a replacement of parts of your identity with a composite of your part and that of your significant other) that's actually quite beautiful. That makes sense. I guess it goes along loosely with the idea that a relationship should make both people better. If it didn't cause change, there wouldn't be any growth. My caveat though is that it has to be mutual, kinda like the whole yin and yang concept.
anonymous - Thanks. Your message made my day. That's always fun to hear.
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